Social Exit

The decision to leave social media comes with lots of mixed emotions. It has been the vehicle for so many connections with new people, interactions with people who live far away, catching up with those who I haven’t seen in a while, reconnecting with friends from my youth, marketing and advertising for my business, sharing photos of my adventures, seeing the photos from the adventures of others, staying up to date with life events, sharing my own life events, having access to communicate with people about any and all things, and so much more. When I first got on social media, somewhere around 15 years ago, it was tons of fun, and I really enjoyed the ability to be able to express myself in the digital realm. But as of late it has been quite a different experience for me, and has come to be a chore, sad, and at times down right scary. It’s not exactly clear to me what has changed- it or me. But something is different, and that nostalgic feeling I used to get is no longer there. It actually pains me nowadays when I have to go on it for whatever reason, and the time that I spend on it feels like such a drain and a waste. Finding or taking the right photo, writing down the copy for the post, making sure I post it at the right time of day, using the proper hashtags to attract more attention, constantly falling behind all of the new trends that seem to change daily, hoping it will get a bunch of likes, looking throughout the day to see just how many it gets, being bummed when it doesn’t get the reach I was hoping for, paying so it reaches more people, and then starting that roller coaster all over again the next day. Granted, that’s not how my engagement with social media has been lately, but there definitely have been moments in my life where it felt and went exactly like that. It’s exhausting, and seems, to me at least, to be feeding an animal not only inside of me, but the animal within our worldly culture.

Growing up in the days before digital devices and technology were accessed by the masses, it was thrilling to be around for these big advances in our society. The first platform I joined was myspace, which was a lot of fun at the time due to the fact that you could totally customize the look, feel, even sound of your page. It was fun to see how people wanted to express themselves, and even more fun to find out how I wanted to express myself to the world in that way, although it was rather short lived for me. The next was facebook, and then finally instagram. Sure, I had a twitter and a linkedin (and yes, I consider linkedin to be social media, even if some don’t), but I had never given those too much of my energy, it was facebook and instagram that became the ones I used most, and for several years it was usually an enjoyable experience.

Things started to go south a few years ago when instagram asked if my page was used for business, which it was so I said yes thinking it would help me get my posts seen. But it seemed as if almost immediately following that action my posts were reaching less of my “followers”, and then the platform started offering to “boost” my posts if I paid a small fee.. sweet, of course they did. This is of course a long time after I started to see how some people were using it in an inauthentic way- buying followers to make their presence look more substantial, following people to have them follow back and then immediately unfollowing them, creating fake pages to either spy or creep on people, and the list goes on. Now, I know that’s not the fault of the platform, but of the people using it. But it still didn’t sit well with me. Then there was the cyber bullying, the predators hunting for all sorts of prey, the glamorizing of beauty and wealth that made so many people that I know feel insecure and not enough.The constant ads and promotions that seem to take up most of my feed instead of people that I’m actually interested in following. Side note on that; as I reached my mid 40s I noticed that my hair was thinning (super bummer, by the way), and I started talking to my wife and a couple of my closest friends about it in person. Only merely talking about it, with only a few people, not searching online, not looking anything up, just occasionally talking, and all of a sudden ads for products to remedy that problem starting popping up constantly in my feed. WTF?!

Another thing that really started to bother me was how much people just assume you’re on it, and not only that but also get upset with you when you don’t stay up to date with their posts. For example; I saw a friend of mine that I hadn’t seen in a while, and it was clear that he was upset with me. His energy was off, and this is a friend that I’ve been really close with for quite some time. So, I asked him what was up, and he said he was bummed at me for not reaching out to him after his dog died. I told him that I didn’t know that his dog had died, and that I was sorry for his loss. He had only posted it on social media, and just expected everyone to know from that. He had been upset with me for a while because of it, and, to be honest, our friendship today is far from what it was before all this. It’s a shame. It’s not that I don’t care about the people in my life, I really do, it’s just that I don’t want to be inundated with ads and whatever else people are putting out there to get as much attention as possible. Which I believe to be one of the more harmful aspects of social media- the need of external recognition for self validation, and what people are willing to put out into the cyber world in order to get it. To me it’s sad and scary. Sad because of the obvious proof that so many people are incomplete within themselves, and are so concerned with their outer appearances that they will do just about anything, if not anything, to fill that void. Even if that filler is fleeting, superficial, and inauthentic. Just as long as it gets lots of likes, even more views, and hopefully procure more followers. It’s the new and improved way to “keep up with the Joneses”.

Now for the scary portion. This is a two part share; first part being purely my opinion, and the second part is a perspective I’ve gained from experience. Social media is such an energy drain, sucking out all of your attention for as long as they can keep you. That may only be for a limited time- on break during work/school/family time, sitting in line for anything, even while at a red light- but during that time you are all in. The never-ending scroll that knows exactly what to put in front of you to keep you locked in. Then facebook/meta came out with the virtual reality that they actually had the audacity to call metaverse, and that was the kicker for me. They didn’t just come out with the metaverse, they were pushing it hard, to the point where z-berg even put himself out there to lure people into his world. I remember when VR first came out, it was exciting and cool (like social media), but then I started to see things that were concerning to me. Personally, I’ve never tried them, for some reason my gut just told me not to, even though I’ve been offered several times, and was even eager to try them at first. But I would see videos online of people putting them on in their own living rooms, turn a little bit, move their arms here and there, and then all of a sudden take a dive head first into their TV or wall. I can’t tell you how many videos I’ve seen of that. Seriously, taking headers into sliding glass doors, kitchen counters, you name it. That’s some trickery on the brain that is scary AF to me, and I don’t know why people would be ok with it. Plus, being connected to virtual reality disconnects us from actual reality, and it’s of my opinion that we desperately need to not only stay connected to reality, but to engage with it on a personal and global level. That is if we want our children and grandchildren to live on a planet that can sustain them, and not be so thrashed and beyond repair from our generation’s negligence. And yes, I think it is our current generation’s responsibility to remedy this problem because we have the awareness of it. True, the previous generations have done some serious damage to the planet, as well as set things in motion that are very damaging that will most likely take many years to undo. But with the awareness comes responsibility, and we are on the edge of either making it or breaking it. That’s one of the reasons I surf as much as possible, and go into the mountains several times a year- because we can, and that may not be the case for very much longer given our current trajectory. As far as I’m concerned, VR is the matrix, social media is the gateway that gets us hooked, and I am happy to have unplugged myself from it- to have taken the red pill. Once again, this is all purely my opinion, and I honor and encourage others to have their own.

The second part comes from my experience with my oldest daughter, Jasmine. She was around for the birth of social media, and, like everybody else her age, she dove right into it. She was in her early teens when she got myspace, and not long afterwards got her facebook account going. At first it was a way for us to connect - we shared music, photos, funny videos and memes, and I enjoyed having that extra time and attention from her. But then she started to use it to have a secret life, things that her parents not only didn’t see but couldn’t see. As a teenager figuring themselves out it’s only natural to have that. But now it’s no longer jotting feelings and thoughts down in a journal, and maybe sharing with her closest friends. It was now sharing with the entire world in an arena that was not just filled with other teens figuring themselves out, but with anybody interested in hearing what teenage girls have to say, and that unfortunately isn’t just other teenagers. It opens the door for all sorts of predators to come into our children’s lives. The predators not only have unfettered access to them, but they could also pose as someone they’re not, and gain the confidence of fragile youngsters that are ignorant to the dark ways of the world but are now completely susceptible to them. The problem is that by the time the parent becomes aware of it the connection has already been made, and for some the damage has already been done. None of what I’m sharing right now is my opinion, it’s 100% knowledge gained from experience, sadly. Jasmine fell victim to this, and by the time I caught wind of it she had several adult men - around 10 to be exact, with ages ranging from the 30s to their 50s - that she had been talking to. One of them had convinced her that he was in love with her, that they were meant to be together, and she loved him back. He was in his 30s, had a wife and two kids, and Jasmine was 14 years old. He was only one scumbag, wasn’t the first, there were others, and he wouldn’t be the last. It made me sick to my stomach, and completely enraged. I dare not express the thoughts and fantasies that ran through my head of what I would do if I ever caught that guy in person. Needless to say, it wouldn’t have been good, and another scary part is how I’d gladly accept the consequences of those actions. I’m glad I never saw him. And If all of that isn’t bad enough, most social media apps allow kids to have their own accounts at the age of 13, and, from what I’ve experienced with Jasmine, it doesn’t take long for the snakes to infiltrate our children. We’ve all, at the very least, have heard stories and seen the news reports about these predators, and I personally won’t make the same mistake twice by letting my youngest daughter, Sequoia, be vulnerable to  those people. It’s my duty as her parent to do everything that I can in order to protect her from all dangers, and if that means getting off social media.. double win.

After a good couple of years of going back and forth whether or not I should delete my profiles, I’m in the car with Sequoia, who’s 8 years old, and she asked me if I saw a video that her mom had taken of her doing something she wanted me to see, which I hadn’t. She then suggested I go to her mom’s instagram and check it out. To which I responded by saying that I didn’t want to do that, I didn’t want instagram to be how I kept up with people or information, especially her, and I’d prefer that she didn’t go on instagram as well. She asked me why, I said that I didn’t feel it depicted life in a real way, that it’s a very superficial way to stay up-to-date with people’s lives, and I like deep connections in my life over superficial ones. She then asked me “then why do you have it?”.. BAM! “That’s a great question, babe.”, I responded, and decided right then and there it was time to say goodbye. Our kids are such tremendous teachers for us. The great words by Gandhi rang through my head, and are a perfect way of parenting - “be the change you wish to see in the world.” How could I tell my daughter not to do something that I was doing, even if she never saw me on it? I couldn’t, and I wouldn’t. So I don’t. I once heard a wonderful story about Gandhi that emphasizes this philosophy perfectly - an Indian family had gone to Gandhi and asked him to please tell their son to stop eating sugar. The cost of the dentist to fill his cavities was putting the family in a dire position, and if it continued it might force the family onto the streets. Gandhi asked the family to come back in two weeks. After two weeks had passes the family returned, Gandhi kneeled down to the little boy and said “you must stop eating sugar. It’s ruining your family, and family must come first.” The parents then asked Gandhi “why didn’t you tell him that two weeks ago?” Gandhi responded with “because two weeks ago I was still eating sugar.”

This story not only taught me a very valuable life lesson, there was also a subtle implication that taught me something else - when other people’s lessons come into my awareness, chances are it’s a lesson for me as well.

So, how was I going to do it? How would the exit be performed? Well, I still wanted to be connected to people, but on a deeper level. Before I deleted my accounts I posted that I was leaving, mentioned that I would like to gather email addresses for those interested in staying in touch, and there was an astonishing response to that. Lot’s of people expressed their interest, their sadness to see me go, and asked for me to add them to my email list. Next step was to figure out a way to stay connected in the digital realm other than email, and that’s when the blog came to mind. As well as a podcast, which is coming soon, just building it at the moment, and a couple of other ideas that I can’t talk about yet so as to not spoil the surprise. All in all I’m very pleased with the new way of staying connected. It’s on a much deeper level, which I love. To be completely honest, shallow connections, shallow conversations, and superficial relationships are done for me. There’s no time for that in my life anymore, only real people, only deep conversations and connections from now on.

When the day had come, after everything was set up and in motion, after all my photos and videos had been downloaded, I picked up Sequoia from school, took her to gymnastics, and on our way home afterwards I asked her if she could help me with something when we got home. She asked me what it was (smart girl), and I told her that I’d like her to press the delete button on my social media accounts. She responded with an enthusiastic YES! She asked me why, and I explained why with the scary parts left out, that will be shared with her on a later date. We got home, sat down on her bed, opened up facebook, and deleted the account. Which wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. They make it very difficult to find the place that has that function, it was for me anyways. But we found it, and did the thing. Next was instagram,, delete. Then twitter.. delete. Finally linkedin.. gone. It felt a little weird to delete all those accounts, even uncomfortable, if I’m being honest. They had been such a part of my journey for so long, and there was definitely an attachment to them. It felt like breaking up with somebody, it truly did. Like calling it off with someone you’ve been with for a long time, and even though it hasn’t felt right for a while it’s still hard to say goodbye to them for the last time. It was very interesting to have that experience, especially since it was with something totally made up, not only wasn’t alive, but wasn’t even something I could hold in my hands. Yet the attachment pains were real, and I could feel the separation anxiety running through my body. That was new for me.

And now, the aftermath; I announced my departure on lunar new year, and It’s now been just over a week since I deleted my accounts. The first couple of days definitely felt like I was getting off a substance that I was addicted to, something was missing, and I didn’t know what to do with myself during the time I would normally spend on social media. Even though the time I gave it was super limited, just knowing that it was there at any given moment gives you solace, and now that it was gone it felt like something was missing. But that was only the first couple of days. After that, and up until today, as I write this, it has been absolutely amazing. All of the extra brain space I now have, the cleared up bandwidth I’m now operating on, and the pure and simple freedom I now have is incredible. It’s one of those instances where once I’ve decided to do something like this it feels so good I wish that I had done it long ago.

Chances are this will trigger some people, even to the point of upsetting them just by the mention of leaving the social trap, and by no means is that my intention with this blog post. When I first started talking to a select few people in my life about this exit some would get triggered and tell me stuff like “you shouldn’t do that, it’ll hurt your business”, “how are you going to stay in touch with people”, “you can’t fight technology”, and my personal favorite “it’s how the world works these days”. To which my responses were, with ease and grace because it was so clear to me at that point, “it won’t hurt my business at all. I’m a firm believer in the 80/20 rule which states that 80% of your business comes from 20% of your clientele, and as long as I retain that 20%, which I will because that group of people cares about what’s going on in a deeper way and not just wanna see the pretty pictures, I’ll be more than fine. It’s quality over quantity, and I’ll take that any day.” “I’ll stay in touch with people through the blog, podcast, emails, and the good old fashioned way- picking up the phone. It’ll probably make the connections that I have much closer, to be honest. More real and intimate, and I like that much better anyway.” “I’m not fighting technology, I’m merely getting off platforms that suck our energy dry, while draining our bank accounts, and making people feel inadequate all at the same time. If protecting myself and my family is fighting technology, then you can call me Mike Tyson and watch me knock it out in the first round. And as the great Iron Mike says- ‘everybody’s got a plan until they get punched in the face.” Now, for my response to my favorite triggered reaction I’ve received- “the world is what each of us makes it to be, and I choose to make my world filled with authenticity, intimacy, acceptance, connection, family, and love. I choose to live in a world of oceans, mountains, trees, wildlife, adventure, travel, waves, challenges, and triumphs. I choose to live in reality, to be present and engage with what’s in front of me, and not just merely on my phone. I choose life.”

In no way do I judge others for choosing to be on social media. Each of us relates to everything in our own unique ways, and if it serves them I fully support their decision. This is just my decision, and I hope others can support that as well. We’re all different, and we’re supposed to be. Otherwise we would never learn anything from one another.

Sayonara, and I hope to see you around.

With love,

Sean